From Alan!

May. 10th, 2008 06:56 pm
lincolnish: (takeout)

1. Ask me three questions.
2. I will pick two of them to answer.
3. One I will tell the truth about.
4. One I will lie about (the last you will have to try and answer for me).
5. Post this in your journal so others can ask you.

lincolnish: (on notice)
I fucking hate mimes. They come from France. By default everything from France sucks, especially the men, and you know exactly what they suck on. How can you trust a mime? They have all that makeup that they hide behind and if you haven't noticed, they wear the same clothes that prisoners wear. Coincidence? I think not. Clowns are inherently evil. Mimes are clowns. Therefore using the transitive property of Colbert Knows All, you should know that mimes are evil.

I would tell you to not listen to them, but that's not necessary since mimes don't talk. I'm pretty sure people's larynxs are removed along with their souls when they become a mime.

I wonder what possesses people to become mimes. Well, self, wonder no longer, I'll tell you. It's all people who sold their souls. Mimes are probably rich beyond measure, in the process of saving a loved one from death, or even worse, immortal. Marcel Marceau is famous. And he's a mime. I rest my case.

Mimes, you're on notice.
lincolnish: (animated sexyback)
LiveJournal Username
name
age
have you dirty thoughts??
wants to pound you till you break the headboardclaire_simms
wants to tongue bathe youand_you_love_me
uses your picture as part of their masterbatory rituals...married2trudy
draws xxx rated pictures of you and them togetherrip_sprinkles
wants to tie you down and have their way with youmutantwatch
wants to do you in public :Oheythereslugger
This Fun Quiz created by Valerie at BlogQuiz.Net
Check out Car-Videos.Biz for cool car videos uploaded daily


Headlines

Feb. 27th, 2008 02:38 am
lincolnish: (stephen save us)


It's bad enough that the Browns even get in newspapers at all. They suck, always have and always will. Sucky things shouldn't get into newspapers, but they do all the time. Just ask Monica Lewinsky.

Anywayyy JUST LOOK AT THE HEADLINE! Do I even need to explain myself here? They're getting noticed for sex that isn't sex. It's non-sex-wordplay-sex. Bad reporter for writing this joke of an article, bad! I could do better than you, you schmuck. Then again, I do better than everybody, especially Murphy Brown. The show she's on doesn't even have her name in the title. Pathetic.

And what do you mean "Booty could get call"? That's worse than a girl doing any actual teasing. First you have non-sex in print, now you're teasing the readers about this non-sex. Newspaper With Words Written On You, are you or are you not having non-sex? Tell the truth, and yes I will judge you. You shouldn't be having could be booty calls until marriage. I don't see a rubber band around you, you can't trick me. I know that's your types' version of a wedding ring.

Good people, evidence like this is what makes me reaffirm my beliefs. Nation - teach your newspapers about abstinence
lincolnish: (thumbs up yay)
1. AMERICA
2. aphrodisiacs
3. African-Americans, even though I don't see color
4. Advertising
5. Ass kissing, by others to me
6. Action books starring Tek Jansen
7. Anderson Cooper, I want my hair to look that good when it turns gray
8. Aflac ducks
9. AT-ATs
10. Alan Shore - he gave me the letter A. It's kinda like the "brought to you by" thing on Sesame Street
lincolnish: (lil stephen LIL'ER)
I first encountered the War on Christmas when I was a boy growing up in the House of Colbert. My parents told me Santa Claus didn't exist. They didn't want me to lose my faith in Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour because they thought I would be too preoccupied with a fat man who brought presents. I kept my faith of course, but I do loves my stuff. I think my parents realized this when my first word was "endorsement".

When I was a kid I didn't care about what toy I received, as long as it was what brand I wanted. Generic stuff was for losers and poor people. I didn't want a Soldier Sam. I wanted a GI Joe.

Anyway, they LIED. Every year I saw Santa Claus at the mall. Every year they said that was just a man in a suit. Of course it was a man in a suit. Santa Claus has to wear a suit. It's his thing!

So not only did I see Santa Claus with my own eyes year in and year out, I even met him once. One time while I was using the food court's restroom at Christmastime, Santa was peeing in the urinal RIGHT NEXT TO ME! Not only does he exist, but he has to piss! That totally proves that he is human and lives on the earth.

We didn't say anything to each other. We didn't have to. We both knew of our respective fame so we kept our mouths shut and whizz time to ourselves. Now every year like clockwork I have a pee appointment with Santa every December 20th. He never fails to show up.

Now tell me he isn't real.
lincolnish: (mr. mischief)
Heeeeey, buddy. There's a party going down. I wanna make a big appearance. I think you should come with me.

Awww yeah

Feb. 11th, 2008 10:34 pm
lincolnish: (turnons)

Stephen Colbert Pills:



Will cause increased flexibility


'What effect do you have on people?' at QuizGalaxy.com


You know what that means.

Music meme

Feb. 6th, 2008 11:37 am
lincolnish: (shiteating grin)
Warning: By posting this up you are subjecting yourself to other peoples tastes in music. First rule of Play List is do not get offended by the music people share with you. Your cup of tea is could be someone else's leafy water.
Warning: By posting this up should be willing to seek out the same meme on your friends list and give them some music too!

01. How it works: Place this post up in your journal.
02. Fellow friends list members [and their writers too] are to then in turn comment to your post with music that reminds THEM of YOU.
03. Said music is shared via an upload that you can download, or a link to lyrics for the connection challenged that reminds them of you.
04. When you comment leave the song title and artist in the subject line so that if someone else thought of the same song they don't have to send it to you again, ;)
05. With enough people and enough variety of songs you should end up with a lovely playlist inspired by those that know you pretty well. [or so you hope]
06. Download and enjoy!
lincolnish: (yummy milkshake)
She wants to see my ass.

And in an unrelated note, this is one of the most memorable (and terrifying) things I've done in my journalism career.

lincolnish: (truthiness)
1 question.
1 chance.
1 honest answer. (as if I ever say anything else)

You know you want to.
lincolnish: (rock you like a)
It's about time you people finally got your heads on straight. Everyone should know that I'm the best dancer. Apparently it took you two years to figure that out. I even had the videos to prove it! I'm not a great dancer... I'm the greatest dancer. Yet twice Tammy and her awards came around and twice she spurned me. Can you even name the winners from the last year? No, you can't. But you know my name. Why is this, dear people. It's because I'm great and misunderstood, that's why.

For the third time I was nominated and this year I finally won. It's about time, but I still don't think you're a bunch of it-getters. I'm pretty sure it was just name recognition on the ballot. Everyone knows who I am. I don't need your charity. I want to know that you really do think I am the best dancer, because I am. Time and again you have told me that my moves aren't good enough for your silly yet oh so shiny golden ass. Now I'm suddenly good enough? I was always good enough. I still am and always will be. When I'm old I'm going to have more geezer moves than that Six Flags guy with the glasses that are far inferior to mine.

Now tell me how great of a dancer I am and prove to me that you were one of the smart voters. If you didn't vote, you should have, but tell me how great I am anyway. And feel free to throw in more compliments while you're at it.
lincolnish: (pimp)
What Do You Think of My...
» Personality:
» Eyes:
» Body:
» Hair:
» Clothes:
» Mannerisms:
» Politics:
» Ideals:
» Musical preferences:
» Movie preferences:

What Would You Do if...
» I committed suicide:
» I lived next door to you:
» I started smoking:
» I started drinking:
» I stole something:
» I was hospitalized:
» I ran away from home:
» I got into a fight and you weren't there:
» I said I liked you:
» I kissed you:

[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] Have I affected you? How?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[12] Are we close?
[13] Emotionally, what stands out?
[14] Do you wish I was more fun?
[15] How nice am I?
[16] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[17] Am I loveable?
[18] Do you think I would ever kill someone?
[19] Describe me in one word.
[20] What was your first impression?
[21] Do you still think that way about me now?
[22] What do you think my weakness is?
[23] Do you think I'll get married?
[24] What about me makes you happy?
[25] What about me makes you sad?
[26] What reminds you of me?
[27] What's something you would change about me?
[29] How well do you know me?
[29] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[30] Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
lincolnish: (tammy)
As you all should know, the Tammy Awards have spurned me more than the Emmys, Barry  Manilow, and bears combined. For the third time in a row I am nominated for the best dancer award. I have to have it this year.... along with all the other awards I'm nominated for. Remember, this year vote for Team CCS! There is none greater than [profile] mr_colbert, [profile] ilookgreat, and [personal profile] alan_shore.

Just in case you need to be reminded,  here is everyone's favorite video. Make it count.

Mun note: I am so pleased at Stephen's noms. Thank you all so much! Also, please vote for [profile] mutha_flippin [profile] not_a_savage and [profile] sorta_like_711, my other muses. They don't get nearly as much attention from others as Stephen does and I would love to see them recognized. Good luck to all of you, let's have some fun!
lincolnish: (Default)

New Year, new layout, new pictures of me to drool over.

You're welcome.

OOC: A special thank you to the mun of

[profile] carl_sack_esq for the banner!

 

 

lincolnish: (bears)
Ah. We meet again. I see you, my ever present nemesis, looking at me with your jaws of doom. You can wait to sink your teeth into my flesh, can you? Well it's not going to happen. Not today, not ever. 

I know that you bears think you're clever. Ooooh, you have it all figured out don't you? You've spun the media so badly in your favor that if I didn't have my big brass balls to weigh me down I would be dizzy. Nobody sees you for what you are: godless killing machines who will not hesitate to attack a human and then pick the flesh out of your teeth with the bones of an innocent victim. No. All people see are the "cute" (and I use that term loosely) bears. You have your Paddington Bear, Teddy Ruxpin, the Bernstein Bears, Sugar Bear, Yogi Bear,  the Coca-Cola polar bears, and now even Starbucks has been taken over by an animated fiend!

Nation, I tell you right now, DO NOT HUG A BEAR. IT WILL KILL YOU. YOU WILL NOT LIKE IT.  These bears are masters of propaganda and want you to think they are cute and cuddly. They are not, yet many people across the world are fooled by this. Of course, I'm only warning fellow Americans and members of the Colbert Nation. You non-believers have earned what's coming to you: death by Winnie the Pooh. The day of reckoning is coming. That bear is always hungry and honey can't sustain him forever. 

It's feeding time in the Hundred Acre Wood.
lincolnish: (finger)
"Your paid account add-on of Extra Userpics for LiveJournal user
"mr_colbert" will expire in 12 days, at which time your paid account will
revert to its standard features."

Once you buy something isn't it supposed to be yours forever? I thought we were in America.
lincolnish: (singin' in korean)
Tonight: the latest on Iraq.
Is it in disarray? Is peace derailed?
Can we now say that Bush's war has failed?
A failure too calamitous to mock?
Or will the future bring a pleasant shock?
Will it be said democracy prevailed
And will the recent surge in troops be hailed
As more than merely running out the clock?
We'll cover that; then on the lighter side
I'll interview one plucky girl
Who's opened up a brand-new candy store.
Then weather, sports, your weekend movie guide
And finally: a water-skiing squirrel.
All that tonight on the Colbert Report.
lincolnish: (xoxo teddy bear)
OOC: This is completely and totally AU. I just had the idea after talking with Alan!mun and I have her permission to use him. Feel free to comment anyway!

Stephen smiled down at the four year old girl clinging to his pant leg. Normally he would have scowled at the ensuing wrinkles in his perfectly pressed trousers which would make themselves apparent as soon as she let go, but this was his child. Parents were known to be biased and he was no exception. Neither was the other father of the tiny brunette. 

Yes. Father. No. Not gay. After a long talk over several glasses of scotch and an I am America (and So Can You!) book review Stephen and his co-BFF Alan Shore decided that if there was one person in the world who exemplified America at it's finest, it was certainly Denny Crane: flamingo and coo coo for coco puffs.

How better to honor someone of such great esteem than to mold another being in their honor? After much arguing, coaxing, doing something which certainly wasn't begging, and finally having the strangest sex of his life, Stephen was delighted to hear his wife agree to his newest plan. The girl adopted by Stephen and Alan was a baby, so her mind would be fresh for the correct ideas which all human beings should have. One could never be too sure of kids these days. With prayer taken out of schools and less and less children knowing the pledge of alligiance it was a wonder that the little heathens weren't terrorizing all corners of the earth, or at least every McDonalds.

So now four years later Stephen and Alan were preparing Danielle for her weekly visit to Uncle Denny. After gently prying her off his leg Stephen asked, "Now what have you learned this week that you are not going to tell Uncle Denny?"

The small voice recited cheerfully, "That Daddy is a Communist and his pink ties are proof of his allegiance to the Party. " Beaming, Stephen stroked the hair on the top of her head, careful not to disturb the pigtails which Alan had worked on for two hours. Neither of them had yet gotten used to the concept of female grooming. 

Alan shook his head, "I can understand you not wanting her to bring that up to Denny, but really, Stephen. If you're going to teach her things about me at least tell her the truth. Liberalism is just as frightening. Just look at the Democratic Party and the last President it gave you. Sex out of wedlock! Can you imagine?" There was more than a hint of a chuckle in Alan's voice, which of course was completely lost on his friend.

"Shh! She doesn't need to know about Bill Clinton yet! It's bad enough that she knows who Hilary is."

Again, the girl's voice piped up. "The man-lady?"

Alan's eyes flew open wide. "Who?"

Stephen's already significant sense of pride in himself inflated when Danielle responded, "Lord and Master says that Hilary Clinton is a man-lady whose only goal in life is to tear down the political makeup of our great nation."

A frown etched itself across Alan's face, deepening the wrinkles along his eyes and mouth. "Stephen, I thought we agreed that we would let Danielle find her own place within the political spectrum. After hearing her say this you know that our little trip will have to wait until after time-out."

This time throwing herself at Alan's leg, Danielle latched herself to him as tightly as a bear trap. "No time outs!" she pleaded.

Alan wouldn't budge. "Go to the corner and think about what you've done," he said firmly, throwing his arm into the air with a point. "Go now or none of Tad's brownies for a week."

Stephen's slouders slumped, and with arms hanging loose at his sides he trudged to the corner of the room and shoved his nose into it. He always hated it when Alan put him in time-out, but goddammit he loved those brownies.
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