Feb. 16th, 2008

lincolnish: (lil stephen LIL'ER)
I first encountered the War on Christmas when I was a boy growing up in the House of Colbert. My parents told me Santa Claus didn't exist. They didn't want me to lose my faith in Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour because they thought I would be too preoccupied with a fat man who brought presents. I kept my faith of course, but I do loves my stuff. I think my parents realized this when my first word was "endorsement".

When I was a kid I didn't care about what toy I received, as long as it was what brand I wanted. Generic stuff was for losers and poor people. I didn't want a Soldier Sam. I wanted a GI Joe.

Anyway, they LIED. Every year I saw Santa Claus at the mall. Every year they said that was just a man in a suit. Of course it was a man in a suit. Santa Claus has to wear a suit. It's his thing!

So not only did I see Santa Claus with my own eyes year in and year out, I even met him once. One time while I was using the food court's restroom at Christmastime, Santa was peeing in the urinal RIGHT NEXT TO ME! Not only does he exist, but he has to piss! That totally proves that he is human and lives on the earth.

We didn't say anything to each other. We didn't have to. We both knew of our respective fame so we kept our mouths shut and whizz time to ourselves. Now every year like clockwork I have a pee appointment with Santa every December 20th. He never fails to show up.

Now tell me he isn't real.

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Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA

November 2009

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