lincolnish: (our leader)
Written for [personal profile] alan_shore for the drabble meme. Requested song was Can't Tell Me Nothing by Kanye West.

"Stephen, I still don't understand-"

"Cut the chatter, Red Two," Stephen barked, pointing a finger at Tad, the consistently harried building manager who by all intents and purposes, should be thankful that he has a job (and health insurance!) in these troubled economic times. "Clearly I have my methods, don't question them."

"But Stephen," Tad scrunched his nose as he looked up into the seat where his boss was sitting, and consequently, the sun. "I don't understand why we even need a tractor, much less are stealing one."

"Oh, sweet, simple Tad. I would pet that curly head of yours if I wasn't so high up on my throne of plenty." His cufflinked arm made a broad sweeping gesture to explain just how plentiful. "We need to show our audience that I am a man of the people. What better way to do that than with farming and crime?"

"But isn't crime a bad thing?"

"Oh Tad," Stephen scoffed with what he thought was an understanding smile. "I have excellent lawyers."

"I guess that does explain why we had to come to Massachusetts for the tractor..."

"Exactly! Always have to stay one step ahead of the law." Stephen gave his temple a self-congratulatory tap. "Now uh, go find some thug to hot wire this thing will you? I don't seem to see a key."
lincolnish: (bitch)
Alan thinks Stephen Jr's the regalest eagle in all of eagledom.

Because he is.
lincolnish: (fist of colbert)
LiveJournal Username
Favorite Color?
Your dreamy lover:sympathy_please
Evil villain who kidnaps you:sinister_charm
Who rescues you:soulful_spike
Your rescuer gets killed by: osborn_heir
The killer gets killed by:hannahdiana
Your dreamy lover runs away with:daughterof_evil
You end up marrying:lukas_friedmann
You wake up...with a huuuuuuge hangover.
This Fun Quiz created by Tasha at BlogQuiz.Net
Taurus Horoscope at DailyHoroscopes.Biz

lincolnish: (fist of colbert)
I don't understand why certain products exist. I'm all for marketing, who doesn't love a good Geico gecko? They are so cute with their silly little accents. I'm getting one for my daughter for Christmas actually, but don't tell! I hope she doesn't read this. That could ruin stuff.

Geckos and hamburglers and Joe Camels aside, one product in the lucrative sex industry that I don't understand is the Obama condom. What makes it Obama like? Does it make your junk give speeches? Say what you want, Obama fans, but unless your girl is into mutated body parts, I don't think she's going to go down on your talking head.

Maybe the politician who really needs his own condom is Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, who was recently arrested for a number of charges, among them trying to sell Obama's vacant senate seat to the highest bidder. He knew he was being investigated and only a few days ago he said he had nothing to hide and publicly stated that anyone who wanted to could tape his phone calls. Like the esteemed Dr. House says, "everybody lies". If this guy is going to jail, he may need to give his cellmate Bubba some protection, because you know he's gonna end up as somebody's bitch. It's the way of the streets, yo.

Obama says he knew nothing about this. Hm. For a really smart guy, he sure seems to not know a lot of things. First he didn't know about his pastor, now this. Chicago is like Kentucky, all inbred but with possibly more annoying accents. For him to have not heard anything anywhere at anytime with those big ol' ears of his is pretty unbelievable.

Nation, I gave you the chance to avoid having either an Obama or McCain presidency a long time ago, but did you listen? Nooooooooo. I'm not a serious candidate you said, I'm unelectable you said. Whatever. I still think I would have made a better president than any of the yahoos who ran. The Colbert Nation is very real, but it's not America. I am the glow in the dark Spongebob band-aid that this country needs. Remember your write-ins four years from now, people! You can choose the running mate, I'm not picky, though Mickey Mouse seems cool.
lincolnish: (weather/even stephven)
I don't know why anybody hasn't written about this before but the longest day is CLEARLY when we fall back for Daylight Savings Time. It adds an hour to a twenty four hour day, therefore making it twenty five hours. Done. What's there to debate about? Godless pagan people, don't you dare mention your heathen Summer Solstice. Just because the sun is up in the sky doesn't mean that the day gets any longer. It's still twenty four hours. If your argue with me, you can't count. Ask anyone how long a day is. Ask Jack Bauer. That guy knows what I'm talking about.

Everyone else who responded to this topic is being all metaphorical and whatnot, whining about how agonizing their days are. I'm all for metaphors. My hand is a giant tree made out of Sharpie markers who leak rainbow gold made to cleanse the world from Clifford the Big Red Dog (he's a Commie) and Cher (no I don't believe in life after love). See, that is what literate types call an extended metaphor. I don't read, but I know this anyway. I'm educated. I'm a doctor. And I know how long the longest day is, unlike most of these idiots.


Oct. 25th, 2008 08:35 pm
lincolnish: (knockin' up toenay)
You know who is a great man? Elvis. I say is because despite what many of you say, the King is not dead. He's hanging out in Mexico buying Cadillacs with his homie Tupac. Wut wut.

Before his alleged death Elvis famously sang that "fools rush in". I've done my share of rushing. Rushing for my frat in college, rushing the quarterback when I played football, rushing to get the last can of Pringles at the supermarket (once you pop, the fun don't stop!) but one thing I definite don't rush into is the gay.

Ok, so yeah, maybe I have a beautiful baby 20 year old girl, and maybe she was conceived one night while myself, Tony Stark, sea foam green mist, and a giant bottle of tequila (I ate the worm!) were in the same room. Whatever. There was a girl there too. Maria the room service housekeeper brought us wonderfully fluffy towels. Not that we needed them.

I'm the exception the proves the rule. I'm here to tell the world that yes Virginia, a girl can have two hetero daddies. How can you look at this piece of man meat and not think hot and sweaty man-woman love that smells like science and cash?

Um. He looks like a drug dealer there. Maybe this? Or this?

Tony, stop looking so gay, it's ruining my argument.

Better yet, just look at me. I'm the one who brought sexy back anyway. Patriotic AND manly! What more could you ask for? Nothing, except maybe a cigarette after a round of hot hot lovin'.

OOC: Muses referred to are [personal profile] aestark and [profile] xaxayayana  who are fantastic enough to be my partners in crime with all this silliness.
lincolnish: (fig. 1)
Excuse me? No. Why do I need to talk about politics on my own free time just because you asked me to? You didn't even say please. In case you haven't heard, I have my own tv show on which I talk about politics and get PAID for it. If you want to hear me talk about how this country is going down the toilet due to tree huggers, hippies, the "musical stylings" of Barry Manilow, and as always, bears, you're going to have to tune in to Comedy Central on Monday through Thursday nights to do so. I am not your trained monkey. I'm not your trained anything. (Well, except potty trained, but I know that we're all civilized people here. Anyone who still wets the bed is unworthy of reading my blog. Hey you wallowing in the yellow stained chair, yeah you, don't think I can't see you sitting there naked except for your Depends. Get out and take your Clive Owen DVD collection with you. Leave the prunes, they're mine.)

I'm sure you expected me to rant and be predictable and give you a good laugh. Well the jokes' on you, expectant people! Take this prompt and stick it on the TV, then wait for 11:30 pm Eastern time to roll around. If you don't, I know of another place where you can stick it. I'll answer this on my own time, nevermind that by the time you see my show, it'll be a recording. If you don't care enough to be one of my flock in person then you don't deserve to have instant access to the goods. Yes, that reference was sexual, just in case you were wondering.
lincolnish: (our leader)
Ok,  yeah, this quote is total bullshit. Do you know what really grows on you when you get older? Gray hairs. Gray with an a because that's the AMERICAN way to do it, I don't want to hear this gray with an e crap. That makes it grey then it's not gray anymore. Firefox spell check doesn't even count it as a word, so there.

Anyway, gray hair grows on your head if you're lucky. A lot of people go bald, now I am a Catholic and I respect the church as much as anybody, but I'm not ready to go around looking like a monk anytime soon. I'm a brother, but not that kind of brother.

Luckily, I only have a few stray GRAY hairs around my temples. Yes, I know from far away it looks like I have jet black hair that would blend in perfectly with the night sky, but look closely and you'll see the GRAYS. I refuse to die my hair, that's for girls.

You know what else grows on old people? Warts. I don't have any but my Grandpa Fred did. When I was eight I told him that he looked like a pirate ship with barnacles all over it. He kicked my ass, literally. Damn, Grandpa had some pointy boots. Old people also have GRAY hair that grows out of their ears and nose. They also eat at the Golden Corral a lot and go to sleep at 4:30. Getting old isn't about happy endings. It's about prune juice and potlucks and bingo every Thursday at your local rec center.
lincolnish: (bears 2)

I know, Nation. I say this one a lot, but I do it out of the goodness of my heart and for your own good. Unfortunately, many of you out there seem to think of this as a joke. It's not. Bears are a very serious matter, and the fact that you are not all quaking in your red, white, and blue boots means that they are successfully doing their job of lowering their suspisciosity. Don't recognize that word? It's because I made it up. Call Webster.

Moving on to my next point for those of you who are still alive to read it and not festering in the stomach of a giant mammal that starts with a B and rhymes with "hair" - 


Recently a little film, I don't know if you've heard of it, called The Dark Knight was released in theaters across the world. Not even a day later it seems like everyone and their mother is running around either wanting to be Batman or the Joker. Just what kind of an example are we setting for our children? We're sending them all off to be leather clad gays and clowns. Sure, you may think Christian Bale is cute now, but sooner or later the cycle of bad Batman movies is going to repeat itself and we're going to be left with a 75 year old George Clooney wearing his rubble nipples. Do you want that? I know I sure don't.

As for clowns, I don't have to explain why they're scary. We all know that a picture says a thousand words.
lincolnish: (pimp)
1. Your Name:
2. Are we friends?
3. Do you have a crush/attracted to me?
4. Would you kiss me?
5. ...with tongue?
6. Would you enjoy it?
7. Would you ever ask me out or go out with me if I ask you out?
8. Would you make a move on me in a movie theatre?
9. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
10. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?
11. Do you want to tell me something that you couldn't before?
12. If you heard a rumour about me, would you defend me?
13. Do you think I'm a good person?
14. Would you let me sleep with you (in the same bed)?
15. Do you think I'm hot?
16. Would you call me just because?
17. Would you ever listen to my problems even if they don't involve you?
18. If you could change anything about me, would you?
19. Would you have sex with me?
20. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?
21. What do you like most about me (looks and/or personality)?
22. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?


Jul. 16th, 2008 10:46 pm
lincolnish: (kiss the host)
Go to
Search your name/nickname. (Make sure WHO is selected).
Italicize the ones you think are true.

stephen colbert is a migrant worker - what the hell?! Who do they think I am, Esteban?
stephen colbert is a correspondent on - I was a correspondent on the Daily Show. I have my own show now. Clearly this person is living in the past
stephen colbert is one of the funniest beings on the planet
stephen colbert is the one who makes the daily show funny - even in reruns!
stephen colbert is the program's - What? TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE THINKING!
stephen colbert is going to be making a cameo during the roast of chevy chase december 1st - I did. Old news again.
stephen colbert is doing his green - I am NOT green in any way!
stephen colbert is hilarious
stephen colbert is typing funny captions such as - you have to watch my show to find out
stephen colbert is a superhero too
stephen colbert is on hand
stephen colbert is hilarious - again! it must be good if it bears repeating
stephen colbert is hosting daily
lincolnish: (steagle)
I leave for New Zealand tomorrow!!!!!! As of now I'll be there until November 8, but that may change if I decide to travel longer. My internet access will be very limited so I'm not sure how much I'll be able to rp. I'll try to get on when I can, but I wanted to let you all know. I'll still be checking my email and lj, but I don't know how often or how soon I can once I get there. I think I'm gonna be camping around Auckland for two weeks for orientation before heading to Wellington.

This is where I'm going:

Be jealous. Stephen isn't. He's calling me a traitor to my country.
lincolnish: (captain america)
I live in the greatest country in the world with the greatest family in world and the greatest dog in the world is currently drooling on the greatest shoes in the world. Get down, Ripper! Don't you know that these things cost more than your designer dog biscuits?! Crazy lil guy.

The biggest problem is that I'm away from the greatest state in the world. As you all should know, I'm from South Carolina, but due to people being bigoted toward's America's Heartland, I had to move. I wound up in the belly of the beast itself - New York City. I know that it could be worse and I could have been living in a hippie tent made out of dope in San Fransico, but the devil and his temptations are everywhere here! It's not  called the Big Apple for nothing! Satan wants you to take a big ol' chomp and fall into his evil plots to doom humanity!

[this is where the total crack plot that we've been working on comes in, if your muse doesn't want to play or acknowledge it, I totally inderstand]

I always thought that the color purple was stupid, not the Oprah color purple thing, but the actual color. It's for girls and gays. My beautiful daughter with hair of violet has completely changed my mind about this. When I breathe in her jasmine scent, all I can think about is how lucky I am to have such a great offspring who is such an asset to the Colbert Nation. Just wait until she takes on the Chinese singlehandedly! The Chinks'll do anything for jasmine. Those Chinese sons of bitches are going down.

Going down of course with the help of the mastermind behind Stark Industries, Tony Stark himself. He encourages my love of nukes. He even let me draw a smiley face on one once. I think that one went to Iraq. I hope it killed a turban guy. But he doesn't count as part of my home I don't think. Just because I impregnated a man to make a completely perfect purple haired winged baby that some would call a Mary Sue doesn't make me gay. 

OOC: Muses referred to in this are [personal profile] aestarkand [profile] xaxayayana.
lincolnish: (truthiness)

Fact: me and mine pwn SWS.

lincolnish: (animated sexyback)
Yes. THE Tony Stark. Not another fake one. Transcript here

Now tell me I'm awesome. 

OOC: This was an rp that I did with the amazing [personal profile] aestark. Please read, it's tons of silly crossover fun!
lincolnish: (balls)
One word: duh.

You'd better be unkind, or else the world will stop turning. I'm talking about science people, and I would know, I watch the Discovery Channel. You know what's great about the Discovery Channel? Mythbusters. They blow things up and aren't afraid to get their limbs blown off with it. The one thing I don't like is that gay vibe they get out. Sometimes I get the feeling that the one with the mustache is the one with the earring's bitch.

If everyone was nice all the time then the world would turn into a bunch of pussies and nothing would get done. "Oh no, Stephen, I can't work today, I'm too busy crying over the latest tragedy on All My Children." Buck it up, loser, and lick my shoes clean! They aren't going to polish themselves.

Going back to Discovery Channel, you know who was the best thing to ever happen to it? Anderson Cooper. They were trying to push their enviro-crap and nobody listened because it's stupid. Then BOOM! In struts Cooper with his white hair reflecting the shine of his angelic halo and suddenly he gives them credibility. Ratings in Peril is more like it.

So now Cooper is not only the darling of CNN, but the Discovery Channel too! What's sad is that he had his first love affair with ABC, but the mouse eared bitch kicked him to the curb. They had a chance to bring him back and re-host the mole, but noooo, some joke of a reporter is doing it. Entertainment Tonight isn't cause for credibility. If you want to pay someone to gossip, go find any female over the age of 60. Just knock on her door under the pretense of buying sugar. She'll talk your ear off about who Mayor Frankleburkin is sleeping with as she offers you a fruitcake.

I think this is just ABC's discrimination of the elderly. First they replace Dick Clark with the gay one who's not British from American Idol, then they don't even want to see gray hair. What's next, Kid Nation? CBS already did that.
lincolnish: (animated yay)

My birthday's today! It's been fantastic and amazing and wonderful and I had lots of sex! What did you all do for my day of gloriousness? Something good I hope! This is what my fans do:

Oh the heroes, how I love them. And how they love me more! 

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