Reluctant

Oct. 25th, 2008 08:35 pm
lincolnish: (knockin' up toenay)
You know who is a great man? Elvis. I say is because despite what many of you say, the King is not dead. He's hanging out in Mexico buying Cadillacs with his homie Tupac. Wut wut.

Before his alleged death Elvis famously sang that "fools rush in". I've done my share of rushing. Rushing for my frat in college, rushing the quarterback when I played football, rushing to get the last can of Pringles at the supermarket (once you pop, the fun don't stop!) but one thing I definite don't rush into is the gay.

Ok, so yeah, maybe I have a beautiful baby 20 year old girl, and maybe she was conceived one night while myself, Tony Stark, sea foam green mist, and a giant bottle of tequila (I ate the worm!) were in the same room. Whatever. There was a girl there too. Maria the room service housekeeper brought us wonderfully fluffy towels. Not that we needed them.

I'm the exception the proves the rule. I'm here to tell the world that yes Virginia, a girl can have two hetero daddies. How can you look at this piece of man meat and not think hot and sweaty man-woman love that smells like science and cash?

Um. He looks like a drug dealer there. Maybe this? Or this?

Tony, stop looking so gay, it's ruining my argument.

Better yet, just look at me. I'm the one who brought sexy back anyway. Patriotic AND manly! What more could you ask for? Nothing, except maybe a cigarette after a round of hot hot lovin'.

OOC: Muses referred to are [personal profile] aestark and [profile] xaxayayana  who are fantastic enough to be my partners in crime with all this silliness.
lincolnish: (captain america)
I live in the greatest country in the world with the greatest family in world and the greatest dog in the world is currently drooling on the greatest shoes in the world. Get down, Ripper! Don't you know that these things cost more than your designer dog biscuits?! Crazy lil guy.

The biggest problem is that I'm away from the greatest state in the world. As you all should know, I'm from South Carolina, but due to people being bigoted toward's America's Heartland, I had to move. I wound up in the belly of the beast itself - New York City. I know that it could be worse and I could have been living in a hippie tent made out of dope in San Fransico, but the devil and his temptations are everywhere here! It's not  called the Big Apple for nothing! Satan wants you to take a big ol' chomp and fall into his evil plots to doom humanity!

[this is where the total crack plot that we've been working on comes in, if your muse doesn't want to play or acknowledge it, I totally inderstand]

I always thought that the color purple was stupid, not the Oprah color purple thing, but the actual color. It's for girls and gays. My beautiful daughter with hair of violet has completely changed my mind about this. When I breathe in her jasmine scent, all I can think about is how lucky I am to have such a great offspring who is such an asset to the Colbert Nation. Just wait until she takes on the Chinese singlehandedly! The Chinks'll do anything for jasmine. Those Chinese sons of bitches are going down.

Going down of course with the help of the mastermind behind Stark Industries, Tony Stark himself. He encourages my love of nukes. He even let me draw a smiley face on one once. I think that one went to Iraq. I hope it killed a turban guy. But he doesn't count as part of my home I don't think. Just because I impregnated a man to make a completely perfect purple haired winged baby that some would call a Mary Sue doesn't make me gay. 

OOC: Muses referred to in this are [personal profile] aestarkand [profile] xaxayayana.

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Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA

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