lincolnish: (bears 2)
BEARS

I know, Nation. I say this one a lot, but I do it out of the goodness of my heart and for your own good. Unfortunately, many of you out there seem to think of this as a joke. It's not. Bears are a very serious matter, and the fact that you are not all quaking in your red, white, and blue boots means that they are successfully doing their job of lowering their suspisciosity. Don't recognize that word? It's because I made it up. Call Webster.

Moving on to my next point for those of you who are still alive to read it and not festering in the stomach of a giant mammal that starts with a B and rhymes with "hair" - 

HOLLYWOOD

Recently a little film, I don't know if you've heard of it, called The Dark Knight was released in theaters across the world. Not even a day later it seems like everyone and their mother is running around either wanting to be Batman or the Joker. Just what kind of an example are we setting for our children? We're sending them all off to be leather clad gays and clowns. Sure, you may think Christian Bale is cute now, but sooner or later the cycle of bad Batman movies is going to repeat itself and we're going to be left with a 75 year old George Clooney wearing his rubble nipples. Do you want that? I know I sure don't.

As for clowns, I don't have to explain why they're scary. We all know that a picture says a thousand words.
lincolnish: (razz)
As I was cruisin' away from the city this weekend an interesting thing happened to me. I was right in the middle of my own rousing rendition of "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas and so busy dropping some mad beats on the steering while that I was caught by surprise when my car made a very unnatural BUMP and shot backward. When I ran out onto the road after I had thoroughly soiled myself I could not believe mine eyes. Not only was my vehicle perfectly fine but I when I saw what I hit I was so overjoyed with my good fortune that I got my digital camera out of the car and took a picture!

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Oh yes, I believe in miracles. *looks at mirror, strikes a pose and points* Where you from, you sexy thing?

The debut

Dec. 8th, 2005 08:51 pm
lincolnish: (Default)
Hello good citizens of the United States. How do I know that you are a good citizen? You are reading this right now. If you are a good citizen, but of a country that is not the United States SHAME ON YOU! Move here, learn the pledge of alligiance and then maybe we'll talk.

If you got here by accident, keep reading. You need a good, strong dosage of what I like to call THE TRUTH. For everyone else, you may not be sick like these jokers, but it never helps to get a vaccination. My name is Stephen Colbert. Col-bear with a silent t like a real bear that says grrr. Though don't associate me with bears. Bears are scary and want to take all our honey. Forget Osama. The worst terrorists ever to walk the planet are these vicious hairy beasts with a sweet tooth. Winnie the Pooh my ass! It's a ruse to lure you into a cave of doom. They are not cuddly. All they want from you is your flesh so they can rip off your bones! And if you happen to have some honey on you, you can bet that they'll use it as a tasty condiment on a human kabob. You don't want that and neither do I.

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lincolnish: (Default)
Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA

November 2009

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